Feel it

That thing you don’t want to feel. Feel it and be free.

I have decided it’s time for me to face my demons from long ago and finally start my book trilogy. I realise I have been procrastinating for 24 years because it will be a difficult and emotional journey but one I must take to reach a peaceful destination and begin the next road with no heavy baggage, just a little light carry bag full of wisdom and experince but void of regret.

I also believe on some level the time was never right before, I mean there was so such more to tell. The time is right now however so I hope my memory serves me well.

On another note I have made a very big decision to not continue with the trial of the Nerlynx at least untill after my surgery. So maybe in May ‘re begin. For that decision I spoke to my oncologist and Canberra Dr in charge of the trial and they both agreed the benefits had not been proven enough to effect my quality of life at this point, to that level, at this time.

For this reason I am now able to get back into my healthy living quest, on track with weight loss goals and still enthused as I was, starting with a delicious low carb breakfast. Also treating my husband who’s home with the flu – not mans flu, actual flu, thank goodness he had the vax so he only has a mild case. Mind you he’s the sickest anyone has ever been and thinks I’ve poisened him since we did our Wills on Wednesday. I said ‘you’re worth more to me alive or I’m left with a mortgage, car loan and a caravan I can’t tow!‘. He then went and got a skin thing burnt from his nose this morning, meanwhile he is definitely having doubts about my intentions😆

Foster is also facing his own health challenges with the recent MRI confirming a pars fracture in his back. Luckily only one side of one of the Scooty Dog’s neck is broken (Drs words not mine). If you’ve ever seen a profile view of a vertebrae it looks like a Scottish Terrier, so a mild case (mild enough for the radiologist to miss in diagnosis). This means he can continue modified training thanks goodness, because as of Monday, he has Glenelg, Crows, club starting (or already started) and rounding out the year of school footy academy.

Meanwhile doing us so proud in the HH Footy Academy Awards night, picking up 2 – Most outstanding role model (yr 8-12) & All Rounder (yr 9 footy and academy combined results).

He also kicks into full caring mode for his dad when he was so unwell Wednesday and I avoided him like the plague not touching him with a 10 ft pole because I cannot do any more sickness this side of Christmas, or I’d be reaching for the razor blades! We think he’s an all rounder too.

On Sunday I’d had one of my favourite days ever cooking a spread for family for Foster’s birthday. On Monday I was feeling a full and dark sense of foreboding and misery. My thoughts couldn’t escape the dread of not being around for another. I can tell all you adolescents that are protesting climate change and future apocalypse, it is much easier to suffer anxiety about the world ending for everyone rather than just yourself (FOMO phenomenon). I do believe I had the same anxiety as a teenager, a 1st world problem when there is really nothing else dramatic to deal with in your world ie sexual abuse, neglect, homelessness etc etc. Please just live your best life and make a difference everyday. Climate change will take care of itself no matter how much mental stress you put out. In my day the buzz word was ozone layer and the El Nino effect. In the prehistoric age it was the Ice Age. The world keeps spinning, it just changes.

Today I spent an impromptu afternoon with my closest wisest, resilient, supportive partner in crime, Chez in the pool and life is good again (especially after, lets say…2 G & Ts)….needless to say I haven’t started the writing yet, but the day is still young!

Nothing can bring you peace but youself, beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself. 💗

Happy days xx