TEXT: Zo ill bloody kill you if ur not wearing our dress. J
TEXT: Im wearing it!!! Z
TEXT: U better be. I cant find a thing to wear and our dress would be perfect. J
TEXT: Build a bridge J, im wearing it. Z
I admit I had some big time kissing arse to do after my Melbourne Cup Fubar, but all is forgiven now after a week or so and we are now joking about it. Troy on the other hand is still not talking to me because he had to leave an important meeting to pick Dash up from School.
“OH MY GOD WHY AREN’T YOU WEARING OUR DRESS?” I shriek as Zoe walks through my back door. I call it ‘ours’ because I have worn it more than Zo and it’s normally stored in my wardrobe, yet she is the rightful owner, as she paid the $59.99 for it. I’d prefer to call it mine since possession is nine tenths of the law but since I did that she keeps threatening to wear it. This time when she PROMISED she was wearing it she has done a Gallipoli in the final hour and done an ‘about face’!……… too late corporal, diligent soldiers have now been sacrificed, casualties have been taken, victims have been slain and the weak and innocent have fallen. I put my half consumed red on the table, drop to my knees (ouch that hurt but the show must go on), clutching my chest moaning ‘I’ve been shot, they got me, tell my family I love them’ I then hit the floor, spread my legs up in the air for one last dramatic effect and then collapse, dead as a door nail – until Deputy sniffs my crotch and then starts licking my face.
“I’m sorry but it just didn’t look right on me, the sling just didn’t do it justice…..what was that all about by the way?”
I get up, with great difficulty with my knee and my short skirt. I went with the green tight halter neck with white ruffles and my ankle wrap matching green cork wedges in the end, but am not entirely happy due underwear creating very distinctive muff-fen-top, maybe I’ll go underwearless and not bend over? No might fall over, then what would my mother think (god rest her soul).
“um……just expressing my disappointment”
“what, by pretending I killed you by choosing a different dress?” Wow she seems really mad, perhaps my acting is better than I realised. I was only joking.
“well in my head we were at war…and………never mind………minor exaggeration”. I divert her attention. “What do you think?” I do a spin and Zo examines me from all angles.
“Well babe, I think you look great.”
“but?” I sense she’s holding back and I’m eager to know why. Is it my muffin top? My hair? Do my shoes not go? Does she think I’ll get cold? I’ve a got a matching a jacket if she thinks I’ll get cold. I’ll tell her.
“I’ve got a…”
“But” she interrupts “I think you’ll look even better in ‘your’ Little Black Dress!” she throws the dress at me. “I owed you one from Ride for a Cause anyway”. My dress! I catch it, give her a bear hug with a squeal, and limp off to put it on, yelling “whoa whoa”. Well maybe her acting is better than I thought also.
“Oh God it’s thump thump music”. It must be JPT’s DJ boyfriend Shallow Mark (a recent development) tonight doing the music. He does all the gym shows and calls himself DJ Mark – real ingenious. Zoe hates dance music even more than I do, she finds it hard enough to recognise a beat, it must be even more difficult when all you can hear IS the beat? No seriously though, we both just like words to sing along to.
“You mean doof doof. Don’t worry we’ll request 80’s, they gotta have some 80’s compilations in that pile of junk. Come on – let’s go inside and get this party started.”
Zo is looking hot in this hot pink number we both bought when I had an ‘Intimo’ party. This dress is amazing and after my party the consultant said I should become one too cause I sold the products for her. Anyway I discovered this dress can be worn 9 different ways. Tonight she is wearing it upside down as a halter neck with a thick band that sits just under her butt. Hot hot smoken pink hot I tells ya. And to reiterate my point we hear,
“looking hot tonight Zoe” Jed yells through the crowd. As an afterthought he adds
“you too Jaymee”
“yeah you three Jed” I yell back at him sarcastically. He does look hot though, and he nods like he knows it.
It’s nine o’clock, fashionably late for a seven thirty party at a trendy little restaurant on a local beach, well known for a local Politician to visit frequently for ‘business breakfasts’ that last well into mid morning, and rumours of the establishment having links to the underground. Now this may make a great story if I had any idea of the details but since my care factor for politics or criminals in the underworld is equally zero, I have no intention of finding out the facts. But then again since when did I ever let facts get in the way of a good story. The gym have hired it for a private function and some of the gym staff are on the bar. Awesome, double shots for half price I’m anticipating. Then I spot JPT.. I mean Jaz.
“Hey babe, Jaz is over there, should we go say hi? She looks positively pathetic on her own all dolled up and no-one to talk to.” I offer indignantly
“Lets” says Zoe and grabs my hand
“Hold on, we have to bi-pass the bar first” I protest on second thought
“And ooop there it is” I say raising my hands in the air like the ceiling can’t hold itself, cause coming our way is Jed, now with a bow tie round his naked neck, yes I said naked neck, twelve pack and all, holding a tray with two wine glasses on it and bottle of red in the other.
“Pity you’ve got pants on Jed” I say as I slap his butt. Ok I have had a few wines before I got here.
He winks and says
“Ladies for the guests of honour tonight we have a smashing selection of red wines as it’s all we here you girls talk about in RPM, sorry Jaymee” he says and hangs is head slightly in shame “used to hear you talk about”
“Oh come on Jed, I have a condition, I’m not dead – I’ll be back” I say a little more confidently than I feel….”I hope” I add more reservedly. “and I hear Zoe is still talking it’s just that no-one is now listening” I try to lighten the mood. She is inspirationally still going to RPM with her arm in the sling. I’ve even had my spies tell me she gets out of the saddle to do her hill climbing. I’ve always said you can’t keep a good women down.
Zoe chuckles
“This is true. Anyway why are we guests of honour Jed? This is an unexpected surprise” she asks
“No, no , no, you’ll just have to wait and see about that. Look at that, two beautiful women walk in and I nearly let all the cats out of the bags”
Zoe and I look at each other a little curiously.
He pours the wines, we accept graciously and this time, with his free hand he gives my butt a cheeky pinch, but turns and walks before I can say “oi” and slap it away.
“Come on, lets go talk to Jaz, maybe she’ll give us some clues” Zoe suggests
We wander over and as we approach, JPT says “how did you guys get wine, they told me there was only base spirits?”
“I guess we’re not just pretty faces Jaz” I respond
“Not even” she retorts with a smirk. Ok I thought we were collectively trying to make an effort here.
“How’s your ankle?” I ask
“Yeah much better since Zoe put me onto the strapping”
“Cool, glad to hear it” Zoe responds
Earthquake comes on by Labrinth and I feel the need to dance. I make eyes at Zo but she shakes her head – there’s no hiding hole on the dance floor yet so I leave her be and head out on my own. Truth be known I prefer to dance on my own. It’s the one true place in this world where I feel I can truly be me. Where I actually feel like I know what I’m doing. I feel at home. The music grabs me and want to fly away with it. This version is very doof doof and I’d much rather the radio edit, but I sing along in my head so it’s okay. I feel when I’m by myself on the dance floor I don’t have to look after anyone else. Tone it down, hold back or restrict my moves so they don’t walk off because they feel intimidated. I know I don’t need to do that but I feel it’s the right thing to do. Jed approaches from behind and puts his hands on my hips, we gyrate together for a few moments before I feel uncomfortable and then I turn around, make some space and continue dancing like no-ones watching. Later Zoe joins the floor and that’s when I look at my watch. I’ve been dancing for two hours. It’s no wonder my knee is feeling like a massive timber splinter has been jammed into it. But I can’t give up my dancing. I just love it too much, it’s worth any pain. Lucky I took my Mersyndole for the pain before I came, and my Suv Acid.
Springstein is now up the front with a microphone and the music dies and he starts to speak.
“As you all know we are here tonight to honour two of our very loyal members and introduce them to the gym’s new honorary board titled ‘Aerobic Lifetime Members’” There is a round of applause. Zoe and I join and clap and I give a habitual ‘whoop whoop’ then a double fingered whistle (it is quite ear piercing but I do end up with dribble down my chin).
“The board has been designed because we just couldn’t let two of the most respected members in our gym go without a fight or without knowing we are behind them no matter how they keep fit”
Everyone starts to turn to us??
“So to our most loyal and dedicated members, and to the two at the gym that inspire the rest of us. Zoe and Jaymee”
Oh my god, we are speechless. This was for us? We can’t believe it we just stand there – I as usual, at any emotional moment, have tears in my eyes. The applause dies down.
“And may Zoe’s arm be heeled in record time (and no-one take her treadmill) and will someone please volunteer to teach Jaymee to swim….although I think she’s faking it based on the dancing and heels we’ve witnessed tonight”
“Here here” I hear someone yell and few ‘yeses’ and cheers
People come up and give us hugs and handshakes and congratulations and even JPT looks truly pleased for us. This congratulatory movement goes on for it feels like hours. Then it makes sense, why we were the only ones that had wine, when I think about it I didn’t see Jed serve anyone else. Were we the only ones that didn’t know??
It hits me then. My impulsive urge to projectile vomit. This topless bartender thing is great, until you realise you have had drinks brought to you all night but no water has touched your lips. Where’s your promise now suv acid?? I break away from someone’s embrace rather rudely and sprint for the toilet, if I could only find it.
I slam through the swinging door like a rugby player and then tackle the porcelain bus just in time to drive it into the station. Hard, fast, mean and ……then I have to turn and sit down! That was close. Jeez I feel so much better now. I stand up slowly. Yeah I feel good. As I exit my cubicle I see Zo coming through the toilet entrance (obviously to hold my hair back for me) and in between is a display of such pornography on the vanity, it’s like a car crash we want to look away but we can’t.
JPT Screams and runs out while pulling her panties up and Jed just moans and hides himself as we sneak out. I am sure they were not there when I ran in. They must have thought the place was empty. Perhaps I was driving that bus in a state of blackout for a while before I came out and didn’t even realise.
“WTF? Jed and Jaz? I didn’t even know they were an item. But Jaz has Shallow Mark, why would she cheat on him??.” Zoe asks cynically
“It’s Jed – of course” we simultaneously acknowledge
“Why wouldn’t you?” I add “oops did I just say that out loud, you know I don’t really mean it don’t you Zo – I’d never cheat on my husband.”
And as I turn around…. Boom…. I see him. Jazzy Perky Tits’ man Shallow Mark. Looking as astounded as we do.
Healthy, Happy & Whole 