“When are you going to start getting ready Jay?” Troy jokes
“Bastard, I am ready. How do I look?”
“You have something white on your shoulder”
I look in the mirror and notice a white spec on my jacket, what is it?
“What is it?” I ask
“Must be that Chinese you had, cumofsumyungboy”
“That’s disgusting, I haven’t heard you use that one in years” I chuckle.
I try the good old remedy of spit on the finger. It doesn’t work but I leave the jacket on anyway. I’m wearing a fitted taupe jacket with my taupe skirt that has a very high side split, with a darker ribbon round the waist. I have my baby pink wedge pumps on with a peep toe and a baby pink top with one shoulder strap ruffled with a ribbon in a bow and the other side is under the arm. The top has scrunches down the center to hide the … well I don’t need to hide anything this week, I’m actually flat tummied today as I’ve been off my food for a couple of weeks now, officially fifty two kilos! Nerves about Troy? The disappointment of no birthday party? A combo of things? It’s strange though because I’ve never been off my food before. Normally I’m a bulimic with my food who just forgets to vomit.
“Lets go” he states. He hates being late, even if it is just for the movies. We have Troy’s parents looking after Dash for the night, so we could go out for my birthday. In the end a party was just getting too hard, no-one seemed really interested in my idea, so I threw a tanty and decided on a quiet, intimate night between the two of us. Movie, late dinner, then maybe even a dance if we find the right place after.
“Why are we going in here?” I question as we walk into the Hilton International Foyer. The butterflies are stirring in my stomach again.
“Um I just.. need to…” he keeps stumbling over his words as we walk towards a door, then he pushes it open…….and……
“SURPRISE!!”…….
What the fuck is this?…..what the……why is Olivia Newton John here?…..oh I can’t stop my hands from shaking……I feel a bit sick…..why is everyone staring it me?……………what’s the surprise for?……..why are my legs wobl……………………
“Zo she’s fainted” yells Troy through the crowd
Zoe pushes through.
“Get her to the lounge” she instructs Troy and Luke
“Grab a wet towel and a glass of water”. Superman hands Zoe what she’s requested almost before she has finished her sentence.
“Jay, wake up, it’s okay” Zoe says soothingly as she strokes my hair.
My eyes flutter open but all I can see is Troy and some chic that sounds like Zoe but looks like some slut with her black hair all slicked back. That’s weird because Zoe is blonde. Their heads are together and they’re staring at me. Oh my god, it wasn’t Zoe and Troy having an affair! It was Troy and a look-a-like Zoe. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, get me out of here. I try and shrug this strange twinning Zoe women off me, why is she touching me? Get her away from me! Get away from me you skanky, husband stealer hoe!
“Babe are you ok? We didn’t mean to scare you” Troy coos
No just fucking break my heart, on my birthfuckingday of all days you son of a bitch.
I close my eyes again. This is a nightmare, maybe I’ll wake up.
“Jay open your eyes”
“What? Ah what’s happening?” I mutter and close my eyes again
“Pass her the water”
“Jay sit up for me, take the water, that’s a girl. Deep breaths that’s it, slowly open your eyes”
“Zoe? Is that you?”
“The one and only” slicked black hair slut twinning face says nonchalantly.
“What the fuck are you doing sleeping with my husband?” There I said it. Out loud, finally off my chest, finally admitting to myself – and the world – the truth.
The crowd hushes and kind of take a step back from the three of us. Zoe and Troy’s mouths open, then close again like fish, then they turn to each other, and they piss themselves laughing!
Well I’m glad they think this a fucking joke. I start to cry. How dare they.
“Jay, what the hell are talking about?” Troy asks incredulously
“I’ve seen you okay. I’ve seen your looks, the whispers, the smiles, JPT saw you coming into this very hotel only two months ago. I caught you in my god dam bedroom Zoe. How much longer did you think you could hide this?’ A collective hushed gasp passes over the room.
I stare at them. Olivia Newton John tries to comfort me, I am beyond comfort, what the fuck? And why is Michael Jackson here, isn’t he dead? Am I dead? Is this death? Like when you die and all your worst nightmares come true. I was a good person. Shouldn’t I be up top, in heaven?
“Jayme…..you have got to be joking” Troy says as he sits down beside me and Zoe on the other side.
“This is all for you. Your 80’s birthday party. Just as you planned. The 80’s celebrities, the 80’s DJ, the karaoke. It’s all for you. All those sightings, those misconstrued interpretations. That was us, yes, keeping a secret. A surprise birthday party for you. There is no affair. There was no affair. There will never be an affair with Zoe or with anyone ever. You’re my soul mate. My best friend, my confidant, the mother of my child, my lover, my bridge over troubled waters, the wind beneath my wings, the person that makes me a better person. I love you. We’ve lived many lives together already and we are destined to be together till the day we die and beyond – you know that.”
Maybe this is heaven.
“Yeah Jay take it from your BFF for ever, I would never do that to you. Besides I’m happily married myself, if you haven’t noticed, AND……Troy is like a brother to me. I mean seriously – gross man.”
Troy plants a kiss on my lips that melts my heart and tingles the senses in the vjayjay if you know what I mean.
“I was gonna do a ménage o trios’” I sputter through happy tears and then the music starts up, Died in your arms tonight and the crowd starts to giggle and chat and disperse.
“Come on, I’ve got your outfit in the loos”
Zoe drags me off the couch by my hand and we run giggling like school girls, hand in hand to the toilets.
“I’m so sorry, I could never really believe it but nothing was making any sense between you two lately”
“Forget it, have this”
She shoves a pill into my hand.
“What’s this?”
“Your stomach liner. You’re going to need it tonight. Now hurry up and get changed. You’ve got a party to get started out there.”
On the hanger is a black number, barely long enough to cover my vjayjay. That explains the hommos and mountain bread yesterday. It fit’s me like a glove. The bright red stilettos out of the box are also a perfect fit. I am dressed in similar clothes to Zo. Black dress, red shoes and then the gel comes and she slicks back my hair (which I spent forty-five minutes curling with the GHD tonight!).
“Now touch up your make-up to look like mine, here” she hands me a make-up case, and I fix my eyes and foundation, thank god for waterproof make-up.
“There, perfect” she says as she touches my lipstick up with scarlet red crimson from her handbag. She passes me an electric guitar imitation and picks her own up from behind the toilet door.
“Come on, the crowd is waiting”
She pushes me out the door and I have no idea what she’s talking about. The crowd parts like the red sea and Simply Irresistible starts playing. Robert Palmer aka Luke meets us and guides us to the stage. He starts singing into the mike while sitting at a keyboard and Zo and I take our spots either side of him and side step to the beat. The crowd erupts in applause, whistles, wolf whistles and cheers. It’s as if we’ve rehearsed this and were born to perform. I know exactly what to do. I can see Zo is out of her comfort zone but she’s doing her best to keep the beat with me. Luke’s a good singer and nails the song, he has learnt all the words off by heart. It’s karaoke with a difference as there’s a live DJ (Shallow Mark) and working mikes but no lead in TV with words. Obviously if you know the song, you just get up and sing along with the original artist. Not for the faint hearted, only the die hard will attempt this one I imagine as there’s no fall back if lyrics fail you. It’s a cracker, a stroke of genius. I wish I’d thought of it myself.
As I sing back up (is there back up to Simply Irritable?) and side step, I scan the crowd. I notice there’s Mr T, who is that?. I recognise Superman as a friend Boof and JPT is Olivia in her Let’s Get Physical leotard with to die for leg warmers. There’s not only a black Michael Jackson but a white one too, but I can’t tell who it is because as per Wacko Jacko his hat is covering his face. There’s a couple of the Banana Rama members wearing harry high pants and Susanna Hoffs from the Bangles. I can also see Aretha Franklin, MacGyver, a couple of the Golden Girls, Valerie from Family Ties, Tom Cruise with a cocktail shaker, Patrick Swayze and Baby are standing in the corner and one of my favourites, George Michael, is kissing Elton John – who are they? On closer inspection I discover George is Jed. George Michael is Jed? Jed is gay?? WTF? Since when? Me and Zo thought he was screwing JPT? Stevie Wonder is swaying along next to MC Hammer and Salt’n’Pepper are rocking it out too. Warrick Capper and his mullet have graced us with his presence and he’s standing with Dipper, Pat Cash and Merv Hues. I think that’s Dawn Fraser too but I’m not sure. Rosanne Barr is here and Donahue. Boy George and Billy Idol and a very tall Different Strokes, Gary Coleman. School Boy Angus Young is here, so is Scott and Charlene from Neighbours. Whitney Houston and Bon Jovi are getting it on in the middle of the dance floor and amongst too many to mention there is also Brian Adams. Of course it goes without mention Cindy Lauper, Madonna and Molly Ringworld Pretty in Pink are also here.
The room has been decked out with lounges and a stage obviously (which we’re standing on) with a true to form 80’s smoke machine and disco ball (okay a bit 70’s but I don’t think the 80’s ever cared about that). Frogger, space invaders and packman table top games have been placed around the room. I even notice an eighties style photo board on the wall which seems to have embarrassing photos of me from birth till present moment – not really ever letting go of the leg warmer fashion phenomenon. DJ Mark is rocking it to his vinyls – he actually has the old DJ system, I am so impressed (why ever has he only played doof doof at the gym shows?). He smiles and winks at me.
As the song finishes and applause is a plenty, Troy wanders over and the theme Believe it or Not from The Greatest American Hero starts up.
Appropriate, as Troy is dressed in light acid wash jeans, white sneakers, a white t-shirt with the American flag on it, a checked druggie shirt open over the top and a curly blonde wig with a tiny little cape around his neck and on the back of the cape the words ‘Greatest American Hero’ are printed. He must have got changed during my performance.
“Very cute” I say as I pinch his arse.
“Yeah, for a cheating, rotten scoundrel I don’t scrub up too bad hey?”
“Not bad at all”
As he moves the mike stand out the way he says “excuse me Mike”
We dance arm in arm as my totally hot as a brunette BFF brings my first cosmopolitan for the night. (Who knew they were so good until the girls from Sex in the City introduced us).
Next song that starts is Whitney’s Greatest Love. God they must have had this song list planned from the start. Troy and I of course take center stage and belt out the duet. Troy has been practicing as he holds the last note for the first time in history and the crowd goes wild!! His face is red and I think I heard him fart from straining so hard, but it doesn’t matter – he held it.
Luke gets everyone’s attention by the two finger whistle, and the crowd mills forward.
“As everyone besides Jay, knows why we’re here tonight, could everyone raise their glass to toast Jayme Walsh, the girl who never grew out of the 80’s”
“To Jayme” the crowd cheers
“Despite our rocky start tonight, thanks to the love of my life Zoe and the greatest American hero, Troy for putting us all here together tonight.”
More applause and whistles. I give a signature ‘whoa, whoa’ and the crowd goes wild again. It’s like I’m a rock star. PINK eat your heart out.
“Jay, would you like to say anything?” Luke asks as he hands me the mike.
“Um, thanks for scaring the shit out of me, for making me faint, for being here when I made a complete fool of myself and wrongly accused…. Well you heard all that, no need to live in the past.” A couple get the irony of the last comment considering we are at an eighties revival and chuckle.
“And thanks for making this the best god dam night of my whole entire life where every single one of my dreams has come true. Party hard, drink up – I don’t know who’s paying! And dance and sing like no-ones watching!’ I scream and thump my arm in the air.
Jimmy Barnes steps up to the mike and Working Class Man begins. Awesome. How awesome is this?
The night is wild, contagious, the atmosphere is electric, and I am having the Time Of My Life (which BTW is the song I want played at my funeral. We get kicked out at two am after the last song of the night Love Shack is belted out by everyone in the room. Most people have stayed till the end and quite a few of us tumble outside not ready to go home yet. In search of the nearest pub, club or bar we can invade in our get ups.
Zoe and I stroll down the street arm in arm, singing Stand By Me. Well I sing and Zoe sounds a bit like a feline in a cat fight but you get the picture.
She’s my best friend, my BFF, my DMC chic, , my gym junkie, my conscience, my golden girl, my twisted sister, my vertically challenged fashion sync chum, my pal, my crony, my mate, my comrade, my cheese and wine buddy. We’re like a good wine. We just get better with age.
The End
Healthy, Happy & Whole 