It’s been a roller coaster ride for the last 3 weeks and tonight we are coming down off an adrenalin fueled flight or fight response our bodies plunged into. But on reflection I have to admit I’ve been in this chemical mode most of my life. Such a damaging space to live.
For once, I’m going to restrain from sharing the dirty details. Its complicated, its scary and its just not that important. Except I will say my professor from my original bone marrow transplant 1997 is truly a remarkable human being. I am still in the process to rule out MDS (google if you want, but I intend to give it no energy & personally confident it won’t be that) but felt very VIP when my professor referred me on to his PHD prodigy who squeezed me in within 5 days notice to see me on a non clinic day. And I have to say going to the new RAH was a much more pleasant experience, complete with live grand piano, pianist!, compared to the old drab rabbit burrow of a building I spent close to a decade visiting with many long haul stays.
A friend said to me yesterday ‘try letting go of your attachment to the outcome’ and it was fucking genius, because a 26 year weight was lifted off my shoulders from this moment, before even seeing my heomotologist today.
I am no longer going to place blame on my self for my dis-ease or put pressure on my self to heal. I am just going to be.
So thanks Eminem for a magnificent song and I’d like to welcome you all to an average day in my life, my DILO. Once you are diagnosed with cancer it never leaves you. The fear, the trauma, the questions the search for answers, it is a lifelong struggle, as is any chronic illness, tragic death, betrayal or most life experiences. I get this, and appreciate every human life and experience has its own story and struggle. My DILO = Every bump, new lump, new pain, new symptom, new drug, new blood test or scan or check up, is a cause for mild panic and catastrophising.
Ahhh, but I take a sigh of relief as I share my new learning. It’s not in finding the answers. The key is learning to find a way to live, never having the answers. Learning to live a fulfilled life, detached from the outcome! I guess that is ultimately the power of the mind. Controlling the ability to not try and control the outcome. Philosophical I know, perhaps best left for another post, some other day.
Happy days xx