Subtle changes

For my entire life, as long as I can remember, I used to have to have a pad and paper next to my bed to write down anything I remembered while drifting off to sleep or throughout the night or even while I walk or drive. I struggled to concentrate on what people were saying to me if a thought or chore dropped into my head. I had the same trouble trying to meditate and followed the same habit of breaking conversation, sleep, walk or meditation to scribe a chore so I didn’t forget. I believed this habit was acceptable because in the past my mum had a memory like a sieve and it must be genetic and she wrote everything, down to what she would talk to me about when she called me, so the answer must be this and I can’t change because this is who I am. I am slowly allowing myself to think the thought, then tell it I will deal with you later in a more appropriate time. In addition I am saving thoughts and things I’d like to say to others for more appropriate times, rather than when they just pop into my head (previously being scared I’d forget them, I would randomly chatter, often starting a fight, now trusting, if they are important for others to hear and for me to share there will be a right time to share them). I am trying to change a 47 year old habit which requires dedication and patience but I have to say I have not needed that pad in quite some time, not because I don’t think of things but because I trust I will remember them if and when I need to! What came first? The better memory so I could meditate, sleep, walk in peace, be in the moment with a friend? Or did the meditation improve the memory and the trust in this process and change? All I know is I’m calmer sleeping and meditating and working. Not only has the chemo fog completely lifted but more cogs are turning while I tackle DVA & NDIS complex claiming process. I can concentrate for longer, be more precise. Make less mistakes.

My body is changing. I’m pre cancer weight again – lost 6kg, albeit in a bid to promote healthy esteem and motivation I am minusing the saline going in the tits every week. So far in total there is 845ml and I am feeling every mililitre! I’m about my original size now despite two different shapes (that’s very real) due to two different expanders – ones a triangle and ones a square 🔺️🟥 😳 Kidding….more like a tennis ball and a football but of equal proportions!Hopefully the next surgery when adding implants will even out the breast shapes (But I’m too scared to ask the surgeon cause she’s made it very clear I’m on a needs to know basis, and I must point out, I trust her so I’m ok with that). Any one going into a reconstruction with the belief it’s an easy op is delusional. It’s long, painfull, uncomfortable and uniquely stressful. Weekly appointments for expansion see your chest under new pressure every week, this week brought new and excruciating nerve pain. Not sure how much more I can take. This week I have been practising I am not what I think and feel, only observing it mantra, which has helped me cope and low and behold should I not find a similar quote on Russel Brand’s FB post yesterday. .

In the other 3rd of my life between working and self care/DRs appointments, I’ve decided to start a certificate in Wellness Coaching. Im hoping in the near future this website will become my business website and I can coach individuals or facilitate wellness programs in the community. I’ve spent the last few months designing my logo, a small yet unfinished business plan, a promotional pamphlet, a business name & setting my intention. I based my logo in line with a long time belief and picture I’ve used which reflects a quote by the Dalai Lama ripples of change are only noticed in a calm lake not a stormy ocean.

Happy days xx

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