I literally booked a psychologist appointment last week, but then cancelled it because I couldn’t face admitting I can’t cope to a stranger, after coping for many many years. I don’t want to go in, only for them to focus on the cancer because it’s so much more than that. It’s about keeping going through this post traumatic stress. I have had the most traumatic 14 months, a double whammy from 20 odd years ago, along with working through 2 different jobs, changing career and having no leave as a buffer to make ends meet with daily and medical expenses that never end. I am encouraged to write more but only write about what I know, what I feel. I want to desperately write my books but cannot get pen to paper (so to speak) as life gets in The way. I am compelled to express in words and cannot stop until I do but can’t seem to reach the masses as I wish to. IGhway Images me feel like failure and along with that, I feel alone and scared and pissed off and bitter and understand that absolutely no one understands how I feel.
Happy days. Xx
Published by Debra Mesecke
I was 21 and I was planning a wedding, buying a house and had a job interview for the job of my dreams on my 22nd birthday. You see I was being made redundant and had to find a new job by August. Especially with the new mortgage now. It was April. I worked for CML and my new job was a done deal. All I needed was a medical. And with that, just like that....my life was turned upside down and I was diagnosed with CML, ha ha, I know the irony. My hematologist had a laugh at that too. I had Chronic Myeloid Leukeamia, which was normally reserved for 70 year old men. Quite rare for a young adult to get, so how would they treat it? I underwent two separate trials until finally it was decided my best chance of survival (all be it only 50% chance), would be a MUD BMT (matched unrelated bone marrow transplant), now known as VUD Allograt (volunteer unrelated donor). I was told 21 years ago the chance of finding a match was 1 in 20,000 (and that is everyone was on the bone marrow donor registry). Scary odds. So being the risk taker I am I said "go for it". They found a match and that was my first miracle in this journey. The second miracle was, it worked - new blood type, two different DNA profiles and the miracle of medicine was reborn inside me. The third miracle is my son.
25 years on, I now face a new challenge. Breast Cancer. Certainly not the first person to have cancer, to have invasive ductile cancer, hormone receptive and HER2 +, or to even have a dual diagnosis. But this is not another Webiste about a cancer survivor, this is just my excuse to finally publicly write. Along the way I am hoping I can share some insights I have learnt over the years and at the same time, give you a good belly laugh.
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4 thoughts on “The honest truth”
Deb, I have been sitting here trying to think of a way to make you feel a little better and to justify what you are have been going through but to tell you the truth I can’t.
The reality of it is that there’s no way I can understand how you feel or what you actually deal with on a daily basis. I might get glimpses of it but never the full picture. Not sure that is even possible.
I could also say that you are never given more to handle than you are able to but that’s Bullshit. Not sure who came up with that line. Sometimes life is just fucking unfair and makes no sense.
I know we can balance some of that with the fact you have a beautiful family and great group of friends that love you dearly but the reality is it’s still hard to justify the rest of the crap you have to deal with.
I wish I could say something uplifting; however, I am going to say right now you have every right to rant and scream at the world. It’s time that you focused on yourself and if that means sitting in front of a stranger spilling your guts out then perhaps this is something to think about. You can say what you want, how you feel and no feelings get hurt. You can walk away and leave the rant in the room.
This may help you find your way back to YOU. All this time you have had to focus on your health and pushing through with life but never truly on yourself. I think at times you just miss Deb.
If I have said anything out of line then I apologise however I love you and will support you in any way you need. If you need a fireside chat, a wine or a punching bag (physical or verbal) I have my hand up.
Love you now and forever xx
You are a gift and yes to all those things on offer xx
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I agree with Cheryl. Sometimes talking to a stranger is exactly what you need. No judgement, no guilt and no repercussions. You have been through more than most people endure in a lifetime and you have earned the right to say “what about me”. Make another appointment, go tell your deepest darkest fears to a stranger and then start to get back to YOU. Yes you are a wife, mother, friend, colleague and much more but without YOU there is nothing.
Love you loads
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